First off, I’m sorry if today’s post seems a little whiny, it’s really not meant to be. Instead I intend to use it therapeutically. I seriously hope that years from now I’ll look back and think about how silly I was.
In the aftermath of a relationship that I was convinced was real and would last this time around, the lack of closure is all that I can think about. How did we go from looking at places and planning a life to trading things and saying goodbye? My mind is spinning with thoughts of what I could have done differently. I am consumed by self blame and wonder at how everything can be great until one day is just isn’t anymore. Did he ever truly care for me and if he did, how could he leave so quickly with even a backward glance? I gave up a lot to make it work (my celibacy, my heart, my distaste for beards) and in time, I know that I would have given more.
I really wish it wasn’t all that I can think about. I wish I wasn’t spending my work hours thinking about previous contact with him while fighting to hold back tears and feelings of loneliness or regret.
Seems like the first logical step is to find some advice or answers since I’m sure not going to get any from him. Luckily, I’m not the only person who’s ever gone through something like this so there are lots of good places to locate what I’m looking for.
Why? What did I do? And why wasn’t I able to make him happy?
The first semi-helpful article I’ve found states that “the most important thing is to stop asking yourself why your partner acted the way they did, and start understanding that the problem is theirs, not yours.”
Here’s the page for reference: www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-59182/Surviving-shock-break-up.html
Now let’s look at why Dr. Spurr thinks the Ex-BF might have acted the way that he did.
The Dr says that people who choose to end a relationship with no warning are usually Non-Communicators. ‘Non-communicators: people who let issues build up without talking about them, to the point where they decide leaving is the only option. In many of these relationships, the partner left without explanation is a good communicator – which is why the break-up is so difficult for them.’
So that means I am, quite possibly, a good communicator! Well that’s fantastic news! Looking back, I can now recall the times we argued and I said to him “I really need BLANK from you to be happy” or “When you speak to me like BLANK, it hurts my feelings”. Apparently this was communicating so I’m silently patting myself on the back right now.
I also found this article about the “Out of the Blue’ breakup:
“People that break up by abruptly and rather aggressively cutting you off with little or no explanation and pretty much act like you never existed, have to do so to avoid any responsibility for the consequences of their actions and their impact on you so they can press The Reset Button. They’re afraid that if they discuss, they’ll get talked into committing themselves to something they don’t want to.”
“The overwhelming likelihood is that they didn’t feel that there was a strong enough reason to pin on you so rather than admit they’re scared or they want out, they announce they’re out and cut off.”
The first article also included this awesome 5 stop How To guide. I’ve already been doing most of these but it’s always good to create a behavior outline for yourself.
How to survive a shock break-up
1. Don’t blame yourself. Remind yourself regularly that the relationship ended because your partner had the problem with communicating, which was nothing to do with you. You were willing and able to talk about your problems but your partner couldn’t deal with that… which is their loss.
2. Take up something new. It’s important that it’s completely unrelated to your ex, and even better if it’s something they didn’t want you to do! So many people who’ve had these sort of break-ups keep doing the same things they did with their ex, which just increases their pain. Leave those things until much later, when the pain of the break-up has faded.
3. Date for fun. Now’s not the time to look for another meaningful relationship. Enjoy your friends, go out with interesting people, but put all thoughts of a replacement relationship out of your mind.
4. Don’t be a relationship bore. Spend more time with your friends and family by all means, but try not to keep going over the break-up with them again and again. Much as they love you and want you to be happy, even they can’t be expected to stick around if you’re constantly going over the same ground. You need your friends, so don’t scare them away!
5. Work on your ‘I don’t care’ attitude. Even if you do still deeply care about your ex, with practice this will really help speed up your recovery. Focus on all the annoying things they used to do; try to decide what used to irritate you the most. Soon you’ll be amazed to find you really don’t care any more.
After reading up a little, I feel like I’m slowly starting to grasp the reasons, or non-reasons, that I find myself alone this time. I may not be happy with or ever know his real reasons but with a little hard work and time, who’s to say I can’t be happy again? NO ONE.
So when will the pain stop? When will I start feeling less empty and ready to face the world? Probably not anytime soon but I know its supposed to get easier eventually, and at least I have some faint idea how to move forward. I just have to keep my head up and rely on the good people in my life more than I’m used to. And I’ve got to remember that
Even though this isn’t my first heartbreak, I can look towards the future and hope that it’s the last.