Floral Reminders

Sometimes in life we let tensions build up because we afraid to let  the other person know where we stand. We come to resent the things that bother us in others that we ourselves are afraid to point out.

The other day, the BF (JB), and I had an argument. We both shouted our needs, disappointments, and desires in a desperate attempt to be understood. I’m not saying that yelling at each other is the way to go but sometimes it helps to release all of the pent-up frustration that can come from two separate entities attempting to forge their lives together.

We’re both strong-willed and set in our ways. There are things that both of us need to make us feel essential and important that the other is not always able to give. It’s the ability to continue to build and grow together even after these superficial fractures that make it possible to continue to strive towards somethings bigger.

“The difference from ordinary and extraordinary is a little extra effort.”

Here are the flowers that JB had delivered to my office today!

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An Open Letter to Those Once Loved

When I met you, I knew almost immediately that there was something amazing about you. Something different. I saw more than most did when I fell for your humility, your sense of humor, and the way you always reassured me that I was more beautiful than even I, a self-professed narcissist, saw. For a while,  you let me need you and I got to feel needed in return. We built a life together. A life filled with dinners and inside jokes, of stories and wonderful memories, and at night when we laid down to sleep, we reminded each other how much we cared and held each other for what we thought was just a piece of forever.

We thought that there was nothing that could tear us apart. You and I against the world.

At some point things got hard, as they tend to do, and for a while we managed to work it out. There were fights and tears but usually that was followed by forgiveness and a better understanding of one another’s needs. I’m sorry that I instigated fights and said cruel things. Looking back, I think this was because it was never enough for me. I was selfish and wanted to be everything to you . I’m afraid I’ll always be the person who wants too much. All of those nights you wanted to go home at midnight but I insisted on “one more drink” took a toll on you. I knew that you didn’t want to stay out. I knew but I still fought for those extra minutes. I know I kept us too busy. I realize that I did this now because I finally felt like I had someone to share those adventures and events with. I’m sorry for that too but now memories are all I have and I’m glad I pushed you for that extra time. I also feel bad about picking at your silly habits. I’d once found the way you chewed your food, bit your nails, or were particular about your toiletries endearing but, after a time, they had begun to grate on my nerves.  I see now the times that I blamed you and took stress out on you for things that weren’t your fault. You couldn’t help that I struggled to feel good about myself or that I hated my job but you stuck around even when I was having a full-blown tantrum. Thank you for that  too because not many would have.

I can think back now and see the times you tried your best to fix us before we ended. The compromises you asked for that I was unable to give. You didn’t see it but I was always compromising in my own way. You couldn’t tell but I was giving you everything that I had. I spent hours thinking of cute things to buy you or adventures we could have together. I never thought there was an expiration date on us until it was too late.

I’ll always remember the way you looked at me, like there was no one else in the entire world and I alone kept it spinning for you. Your constant kisses weren’t necessary but always appreciated. I’m glad that I was privileged to be a part of your life, even if I wish I could have kept you longer. Without you, I wouldn’t be there person I am today. Sometimes when I think about losing you, I feel empty because each of you took a piece of me when you left. A piece of my heart that I’ll never get back. But in the end, I’m glad that you left with something. I hope that it makes you a better person and that one day you’ll love someone like you loved me but that this time, it won’t have to end.

Thank you.

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Surviving

First off, I’m sorry if today’s post seems  a little whiny, it’s really not meant to be. Instead I intend to use it therapeutically. I seriously hope that years from now I’ll look back and think about how silly I was. 

In the aftermath of a relationship that I was convinced was real and would last this time around, the lack of closure is all that I can think about. How did we go from looking at places and planning a life to trading things and saying goodbye? My mind is spinning with thoughts of what I could have done differently. I am consumed by self blame and wonder at how everything can be great until one day is just isn’t anymore. Did he ever truly care for me and if he did, how could he leave so quickly with even a backward glance? I gave up a lot to make it work (my celibacy, my heart, my distaste for beards) and in time, I know that I would have given more.

I really wish it wasn’t all that I can think about. I wish I wasn’t spending my work hours thinking about previous contact with him while fighting to hold back tears and feelings of loneliness or regret.

Seems like the first logical step is to find some advice or answers since I’m sure not going to get any from him. Luckily, I’m not the only person who’s ever gone through something like this so there are lots of good places to locate what I’m looking for.

Why? What did I do? And why wasn’t I able to make him happy? 

The first semi-helpful article I’ve found states that “the most important thing is to stop asking yourself why your partner acted the way they did, and start understanding that the problem is theirs, not yours.”

Here’s the page for reference: www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-59182/Surviving-shock-break-up.html

Now let’s look at why Dr. Spurr thinks the Ex-BF might have acted the way that he did.

The Dr says that people who choose to end a relationship with no warning are usually Non-Communicators.  ‘Non-communicators: people who let issues build up without talking about them, to the point where they decide leaving is the only option. In many of these relationships, the partner left without explanation is a good communicator – which is why the break-up is so difficult for them.’

So that means I am, quite possibly, a good communicator! Well that’s fantastic news! Looking back, I can now recall the times we argued and I said to him “I really need BLANK from you to be happy” or “When you speak to me like BLANK, it hurts my feelings”. Apparently this was communicating so I’m silently patting myself on the back right now.

I also found this article about the “Out of the Blue’ breakup:

“People that break up by abruptly and rather aggressively cutting you off with little or no explanation and pretty much act like you never existed, have to do so to avoid any responsibility for the consequences of their actions and their impact on you so they can press The Reset Button. They’re afraid that if they discuss, they’ll get talked into committing themselves to something they don’t want to.”

“The overwhelming likelihood is that they didn’t feel that there was a strong enough reason to pin on you so rather than admit they’re scared or they want out, they announce they’re out and cut off.”

See more at: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/happy-one-day-chopped-the-next-when-they-breakup-and-vanish/

The first article also included this awesome 5 stop How To guide. I’ve already been doing most of these but it’s always good to create a behavior outline for yourself.

How to survive a shock break-up

1. Don’t blame yourself. Remind yourself regularly that the relationship ended because your partner had the problem with communicating, which was nothing to do with you. You were willing and able to talk about your problems but your partner couldn’t deal with that… which is their loss.

2. Take up something new. It’s important that it’s completely unrelated to your ex, and even better if it’s something they didn’t want you to do! So many people who’ve had these sort of break-ups keep doing the same things they did with their ex, which just increases their pain. Leave those things until much later, when the pain of the break-up has faded.

3. Date for fun. Now’s not the time to look for another meaningful relationship. Enjoy your friends, go out with interesting people, but put all thoughts of a replacement relationship out of your mind.

4. Don’t be a relationship bore. Spend more time with your friends and family by all means, but try not to keep going over the break-up with them again and again. Much as they love you and want you to be happy, even they can’t be expected to stick around if you’re constantly going over the same ground. You need your friends, so don’t scare them away!

5. Work on your ‘I don’t care’ attitude. Even if you do still deeply care about your ex, with practice this will really help speed up your recovery. Focus on all the annoying things they used to do; try to decide what used to irritate you the most. Soon you’ll be amazed to find you really don’t care any more.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-59182/Surviving-shock-break-up.html#ixzz2d5jC7yng

After reading up a little, I feel like I’m slowly starting to grasp the reasons, or non-reasons, that I find myself alone this time. I may not be happy with or ever know his real reasons but with a little hard work and time, who’s to say I can’t be happy again?  NO ONE.

So when will the pain stop? When will I start feeling less empty and ready to face the world? Probably not anytime soon but I know its supposed to get easier eventually, and at least I have some faint idea how to move forward. I just have to keep my head up and rely on the good people in my life more than I’m used to. And I’ve got to remember that

Even though this isn’t my first heartbreak, I can look towards the future and hope that it’s the last.

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Getting Over It Pt. 1

Here’s a chance to learn a little about me so lets dive right in!

Most of my life I’ve been in long-term relationships. I guess you could call me a serial monogamist. Not that there is anything wrong with being a serial monogamist, in fact, I look back quite happily on the relationships I’ve had and the lessons I’ve learned. It surely hasn’t been an easy road getting to where I am now and being happy with myself, just the way I am. That being said, they weren’t always the easiest or most fun to learn but you have to start somewhere right?

I’m a firm believer that when you find someone who you can see a future with, you should give everything that you can. Love them as hard as possible. That way, you never look back and think “I should have done more.”. You won’t have to because you gave everything.

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My first and longest relationship was with a great guy I met when I was around 16 and on a blind date that my best girl friends had set me up with. We dated seriously on and off for almost 11 years. You really get to know someone after that amount of time and, although I will always love him, the easiest way to explain the end of that era is to say that we both grew in different directions and that our needs/wants were no longer on the same page. He’s still a wonderful person and I hope him the very best.

After that ended, I found myself immediately involved with one of my best friends. You might say that this was a rebound. Quite possibly but it definitely eased the pain of losing a long-term part of my life, a person I considered my closest companion. This one was much harder. I never felt good enough and found myself always chasing what I thought would make him happy. As I know now, this is not how a relationship should work. While he and I ended on  a terrible note (which I won’t get into just yet), he was a great friend beforehand and I really do hope him the very best.

After that breakup I found myself broken. Broken in a way I didn’t know how to come back from. For the very first time in my entire life, I was completely alone. Now, I could have done many things at this juncture. I could have been sad, quit my job, basically given up – Oh wait. That’s exactly what I did. It took a conversation that I’ll never forget with my oldest friend, Missy, to make me realize that I really needed to stop whining and get it together. The statement that really turned it around for me?

“When did you become such a pussy?!?”

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Rude, right?? Well this just so happens to be the greatest life altering question that I’ve ever been asked outside of Mellow Mushroom on dollar wine night. She proceeded to remind me of just how awesome the old, pre-whoever, single, confident me used to be! She went on about how strong of a woman I had been, how I never took anything from anyone, and how I had never cared what anyone else thought and always stayed true to myself completely.

I decided that she was absolutely correct. No more being “that girl”! I picked myself up, made a list of things that made me uncomfortable, that I wanted to do, or that I was never able to enjoy because of someone else. And, boy, was it a long one!! Here are some of the things that were on my list:

  • Go Fishing
  • Take a Dance Class
  • Hiking
  • Join More Social Groups
  • Hunting
  • Go to a Bar Alone
  • Zoo
  • Medieval Times

The list goes on and on but you get the point, right?

These may not be big things (or even all that fun of things) but this was my first step towards getting out of the house, making new friends, and having the adventures that I’d seriously been lacking in my life.  Along with my lists and efforts to forget the past, I made one other decision which I think was one of the most beneficial I’m ever made.

I decided to become celibate. 

(To Be Continued…)