Maturity and Loss

*I wrote this last night as I lay on my couch alone missing where my life was only last week. Sometimes you just have to let it all out somehow. *

I was so happy alone when I met you. You took that all away. I didn’t want a relationship until I met you. I was finally so happy alone. You hurt me more than you’ll ever know and I’m used to feeling broken. You told me I was the best relationship you’d ever had. That I was everything you wanted but it wasn’t enough.

It was hard for me to let down my walls. To try so hard to make someone else happy after being alone for so long. To be so unselfish. I was a product of my own self-induced solitude. I actually listened to all your words. I heard them. Actually heard them. I wanted to. For the first time in my life I didn’t want to be selfish. I wanted to give and be your everything. You said you liked food so I cooked for you. You said your last relationship wasn’t honest so I was. You said she didn’t want you enough so I told you everyday how much I did. You were hurt and I wanted to take care of you. You fell for me, a little, and I saw it. I saw it in your eyes, the way you looked at me while I lay next to you, the way you craved my touch, the way you wanted to fill all your spare moments with the sound of my voice. But none of it was enough. You missed something I could never give you and you were not honest about it.

Thank you for making me feel like a better person than I was before I met you, than I thought I could be. I see now I’ve never had a true mature relationship. I remember feeling so confused by the lack of fighting or struggle when we were together. Even when you ended it, I didn’t fight to keep you or change your mind. I feel like I’ve always fought and struggled to hold things together when other relationships floundered. I didn’t fight because I didn’t care. I didn’t fight because I cared more, too much. It hurt you enough to end it and that was hard enough. 

You deserve everything you want and more. You’re an amazing person. And so do I. Its unfortunate we couldn’t achieve that together. Thanks for giving me a small chance and showing me I’m better than I ever knew I could be.